To Be In A Conscious Relationship, You’ll Need To Do This (No Matter What)

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A big intention of mine for 2018 is to overcome fear. To be conscious & choose love in every situation. This has been challenged greatly already this year – the universe is working fast to test my commitment to this!

Fear is coming up in a big way. I see how many times a day I have the choice whether to choose fear or choose love. And I choose fear so often. By this I mean, we have a choice to respond to life situations in a calm, grounded and conscious way. Or we can respond with insecurity, blame, judgement and childish unconscious behaviour.


Mogli and I felt the strongest disconnection we’ve ever felt the other day. He became very cold and distant with me, but pretended like everything was normal and nothing was wrong. But I could feel it instantly. I was angry at him for behaving so unconsciously and not telling me something was wrong. It didn’t make any sense at all, but I could feel how disconnected we were. And the fact he was unwilling to talk about it made it worse. So the next morning when he tried to hold my hand in an attempt to reconnect, I pushed him away.

I was hurt. I was angry. And I didn’t want to open up to him because of how he had made me feel the previous night. I was expecting him to come to me with an apology and maybe an explanation of why he was so distant with me the night before. But no there was nothing, just this weak attempt at connecting. As well as this great distance between us… as though I didn’t know who he was anymore. Or who we were anymore.


Recognising Past Hurt

In this moment my insecure, fearful and disconnected little girl in me wanting to fight and put up resistance.

She wants to punish him for how he punished her.
She wants to withold love to make him feel unloved.
She wants to have power over him, control him and discard him when she wants.
She wants to have her wicked way and control everything to avoid hurt again.

This is the wounded part of me. This is the part that isn’t conscious and lays hidden underneath the surface.

She is the pained, angry and lost part of me who didn’t ever feel love.
She is the part of me who carries so much shame, guilt and suffering.
She is the part of me who was always craving love, attention and happiness but they always evaded her.
She is the part of me who nobody knows or understands.
She is the part of me I don’t want anybody to see through fear of not being loved and accepted.

She is however, also the part of me who has contributed so much to my story, to my life’s journey and lessons.
Without her I wouldn’t be where I am today. It is part of me and always will be.


Be Kind To This Part Of You

So today I am grateful to her.
I thank her for being here, for voicing her concerns and suggestions.
But I choose to show her compassion.
I choose to show her love and understanding
She is just acting in the best way she knows how. And I can make her feel safe and reassure her there’s a better way.

But I remembered my intention to choose love over fear, no matter what. I remembered my choice to be conscious.
We must love them for all of who they are and allow them to be their true selves, even when that might not be pretty. We must trust that they are doing the best they can with what they know in every moment and that their intention is never to hurt us.

If I had remained angry at him, been distant back and let the tense energy continue, the situation would have evolved in a very different way. He would have probably stayed more in his head. Why would he want to tell a really angry, intimidating woman why he went cold on her? That would create more fear in him and more distance between us.


conscious relationships, eckhart tolle, quote


No Matter What

No matter how hard it seems in these moments of disconnection, we must remember who we really are and how we wish to feel. We must choose conscious responses, no matter what. When we can be conscious of our responses and relinquish judgement of the other person’s behaviour, we live in presence rather than reaction. Eckhart Tolle says,

“Instead of fighting the darkness, you bring in the light. When you practice choosing love, you create a clear space to of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. If you practice this, your partner cannot stay with you and be unconscious.”

It took all my courage and presence to make this choice amidst all the fearful thoughts going around in my head.



Choosing A Conscious Response

Relationships are our greatest teachers in our own growth. They force you to look at who you are being in each moment, they bring the unconscious parts of yourselves into your conscious. You can then choose whether this is someone you want to be. Remember that having these moments of disconnect, frustration or fear in your relationship is normal and perfectly ok.

Don’t kid yourself they aren’t, because you’ll only end up more frustrated and disappointed. You are either in fear or love, but not both. So it is about choosing love and setting yourself free from the pain!

After showing Mogli love and reconnecting to how I feel about myself and the trust I have in our relationship, everything calmed down. I gave Mogli time to journal and make sense of his actions and explain to me what was going on. Although my ego was incredibly impatient wanting to know NOW what was happening, my higher self knew that it wasn’t about me in that moment. I saw the situation objectively and give Mogli the time he needed. And it turns out it wasn’t something to worry about in our relationship at all, but merely stuff he needed to process about his own fears.

Fears show up all the time, in us and the people we love. If we react back with fear, anger and other reactive emotions, we will never give ourselves what we actually want. Which is love, happiness and peace. We only act like a pissed off kid because we are hurt and reacting in the moment.

Conscious Relationship


By choosing love, by choosing compassion and by keeping myself connected to my heart I was able to steer the disconnection into a much more beautiful place.

It opened up the space for Mogli and I to talk about some things that we both needed to share, uncover some hidden frustrations and see each other clearly with no judgement, only a desire to listen and understand how the other felt. It’s not about us as individuals. It’s about giving people the space to be heard. When we do that, we are always choosing love.

And this is the fastest and most effective way to diffuse arguments. But you’ll have to make sure your ego gets out of the way because it’ll put up one hell of a fight!

With love & magic

Screen Shot 2016-07-22 at 12.03.10 cast-a-new-level-of-self-love    
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