Our relationships are life’s biggest rollercoaster but choosing to settle is not an option. They can be the most exhilarating, mind blowing freeing experience full of love and happiness, but they can also fill you with fear, insecurity, frustration and unbelievable heartbreak.
Intimate relationships especially, but all relationships, should give you the platform to grow, be yourself and have open-hearted communication. Any relationship that doesn’t is likely built on a foundation of fear, unhealed emotional wounds and/or individuals lacking self awareness and authenticity.
I spent years in unfulfilled relationships with boyfriends and friends. None of them were bad people, but the friendships I had were never really friendships. They didn’t give me the depth of connection that I have now, nor did I ever feel like I belonged. The boyfriends I had in all honesty were with guys I felt secure with, that held me on a pedestal and whom I knew would never cheat on me. My insecurity showed up in all of my relationships.
But the simple thing is, NOBODY can make you happy. You have to create that happiness yourself and that was something that forever evaded me until I chose to feel it every day.
So often in relationships, we lose a part of ourselves through compromise, doing what’s easier to avoid arguments or just to make the other happy. The more we do this the more it knocks down our self esteem and sense of self worth. How can we value ourselves when you’re losing part of who you are? Sadly, it’s become the norm to allow this to happen through a deep-rooted fear what the other person will see who we really are. We strive to hide our weaknesses and emotional wounds so we pretend. We pretend we are strong, confident and happy. But in time, the comfort sets in and that mask you’ve been wearing begins to fall. There’s never any hiding who you are forever.
When the mask starts to fall is when relationships start to crumble. The person they once felt attracted to an connected to starts to disappear as the true person hiding underneath comes to the surface. This person doesn’t necessarily have to be bad or nasty, just different than who they originally met. For relationships to stand the test of time, be full of love, communication and passion, we must be strong enough to be vulnerable and show who we really are from the beginning.
This only comes with a shift in consciousness as you expand your own awareness of who you are.
When I settled
My long term relationship before Mogli lasted 4 years, but the reality was neither of us were particularly happy for the last two years of it. We both stayed in a relationship with no passion, play or sense of adventure. We settled, staying in it for all the wrong reasons. It served neither of us, except in the lessons I learned from it. I wasn’t of the awareness then to really know how to create more love and happiness in myself and so the relationship was destined to be ordinary and unfulfilling. I lacked the strength to walk away even though I wasn’t happy.
So get your chops around these:
6 Reasons Why I Believe We Can Settle In Our Intimate Relationships That No Longer Serve Us:
1. Scared of being alone
Whatever the reason for the relationship not working, for some reason you stay. Even if you argue all the time, views about the world differ, and in some cases where there’s abuse or violence, you still stay. I remember having a conversation with a friend about how unhappy she was in her relationship but she said she didn’t end it because “I don’t want to be alone.”
She was settling for less then she was worth because of fear. This is doing yourself a disservice and this pattern must be broken for you to have that happiness you deserve.
“Some people settle down, some people settle, and some people don’t settle for anything less than butterflies.”
– Carrie Bradshaw
2. Might not find anyone better
If you don’t believe the person you’re with is the one to rock your world for the rest of your life, if you don’t feel it, then why stay with them? It combines with the fear of being alone, but not thinking there’s anyone else out there is just settling again. Firstly, you are kidding yourself and living in fear, not love. Secondly, it is not fair on your partner! You’re preventing them from having a partner who would love them to the moon and back just because you’re scared you’ll not find someone any better. Time to start showing up with love and trust!
3. I may lose friends if we split
It’s common in relationships that you’ll build a group of friends that you share. The thought always comes in during tough times, “If we break up, how will this affect my friends?” Will I still have those friends? How will it work socialising if we weren’t together?” You can’t live on the what if principle forever. This is life! Break ups and tough choices are never a day out at the playground, but true friends will adapt to whatever your situation ends up being.
True connection doesn’t fade & those friends will make the effort no matter who you are with. The ones that don’t were never true friends in the first place. This is the truth that people are most afraid of.
4. It could get better than this
Relationships have their rough patches and times when it feels so painful, so frustrating and you feel like ending it. But then that little voice speaks up saying, ‘but it could get better.’ Or it could get back to how it USED to be. You never go backward only forward. Thinking it could get better is absolutely right if you communicate about EVERYTHING, let go of hurts and pains that stop you from being open hearted and share similar values.
But if you’re just hoping it will get better without any real foundation to build on, then that’s coming from a place of fear and lack and not staying true to yourself.
5. Being with somebody is better than being with nobody
Again this is a crazy notion, just the fear of being alone wrapped up in different packaging. This is not fair on the other person, it represents a selfish, insecure attitude. Cultivating a strong sense of self worth and love for yourself will allow this thought to leave your mind and never come back. This is seen with those girls that hop from relationship to relationship never actually having any time for themselves. (I know because I used to be one of them!) It doesn’t serve you.
The only time you’ll ever feel completely fulfilled is when you allow yourself to dig into your pain and build up love for yourself without the crutch of a partner to give you a sense of belonging. You belong to YOU!
6. Financial dependence
This is a level of relationship that happens a lot. One partner is successful financially or even just earning enough money to support the other. It could be from starting a business venture, being a stay at home parent, completing a degree or training course or from just not earning enough to contribute to the joint lifestyle.
Whatever the reason, if you’re only with someone because they support you financially, you’re settling because of fear. Fear takes you away from who you are meant to be. It takes you away from living a fulfilled life. You can have more, you just choose to do what’s easier.
The bottom line in all relationships is that you cannot be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy in yourself. Gone are the days where you’ll be rescued by the man of your dreams to live a fairytale adventure. That type of true love is possible, but only when you’ve been brave enough to look within at who you are being and who you’d like to be.
The 100% Rule
Relationships break down because people do not look at themselves, their actions, how they could improve the situation. They often find fault in their partner, what needs aren’t being met, what they could do better. It is 100% your responsibility to make your relationship work. Not 50-50. It is 100% up to you.
It’s difficult when you’ve been in a relationship for so long to see a change. That change starts with you. Drop the expectations for the other person to change their actions. Drop the expectation that they should start doing nice things for you to make you feel special. You get what you give! Nothing will change unless you look at yourself, your actions and how that affects the other person and the relationship.
Your number 1 relationship should be with yourself
Love yourself unconditionally
Trust yourself unconditionally
Give yourself unconditionally to others
When you learn to do this, watch your relationships transform. Conscious relationships bring everything to the table. There’s no need to settle, there’s no need to question your relationship as you are in control of bringing love and happiness to it every day. As you can bring in conscious awareness into your relationships, they become effortless, open-hearted and with FAR less arguments. You are too worthy to settle for anything less than you deserve!
Settling for someone just to be in a relationship won’t make you happy. Taking the time to feel unconditional love for yourself so you attract the partner you desire will.
Peace & love