As a society, we tend to ignore emotional pain. We even pretend it isn’t there, somehow believing that we have to have our shit together all of the time or we will be shamed for expressing ‘negative’ emotions. I’ve even been accused of getting emotional in a conversation that was stirring up sadness, but this response from him of course immediately made me feel unable to fully express myself. Surely a basic human right to have freedom of expression! And this is SUCH an important message, one that I am passionate about sharing.
We must learn to express ourselves, not to shut down when we feel pain and to teach our children this. Absolutely essential to our human development in my opinion! If we are to have deeply connected & nourishing relationships, then we must learn to develop a healthy relationship with our emotions. I am very blessed to say this is very present in my relationship with my husband.
The impact of our pain
For a few days, it has felt tense between me and Mogli. I can feel distance between us but I didn’t feel to express this straight away. But not expressing this just created more pain physically and emotionally… I can feel how I have been making him feel, pushing him away with my icy, aggressive temperament. This only brings the voice of my inner critic to a crescendo of doubts regarding my worthiness.
My own husband struggling with who I am showing up as right now is a tough pill to swallow. The negative emotions suppressed within my body were being projecting out and affecting the person I love most in the world negatively too.
But worse than that, I am swallowing a sick pill every day when I tell myself I am broken. I prolong any suffering when I believe in my pain story or when I identify myself with pain, anger and unworthiness. Keeping myself sick with my own pain… I am talking about the old shit I buried years ago because I had no outlet to express my grief, anger and frustration.
Instead of letting it go, I am holding on as tight as a baby clings to its mothers arms for fear of not surviving without her. Have I become so dependent on my pain to feel alive? Is that my source of aliveness? Just like someone mourns the loss of their mother but stays in pain about it ten years later. They don’t move on with their life because they feel like they cant move on without their mother in their life. So they cling onto the pain because its the only thing in this world that still connects them to the woman who brought them into this world. Letting go of the pain of her death would mean letting go of her.
And as simple as the words let go are, the complexity of that very action brings a certain irony.
How the hell do you let go?
Whether its pain about losing a loved one, or pain around some trauma in your childhood or whether it is anger and sadness about something in your present or past, the more we hold on, the more we prevent ourselves from healing and creating space for more love and opportunity in our life.
Draw a circle, and colour 3//4 of it in. The remaining 1/4 is the pain you’re holding onto. The full circle represents who you are as a person. Your whole self, warts and all.
Most of us forget that the pain exists. We bury it, popping it in a box we hope never to open again. We suppress the emotions associated with it pretending that we have our shit together. That 1/4 is filled with stuff that hurts, weighing heavy on our heart. So we ignore it. Yet in ignoring it, we are also still holding onto it.
Now imagine that circle with that 1/4 pie removed. Who are you without that pain? Can we recognise ourselves one we set ourselves free from the pain? I don’t have all the answers as to how we let go, but what I do know is that we cannot let go from the mind. We have to FEEL it. Our body has to be ready to release. You’ll know when you’re ready and it will just happen.
To let go you must have the intention to let go, be willing to let go and then allow yourself to let go. Subtle but powerful steps.
The Pain Story
Subconsciously, we identify with our pain. Who will we be without it? What are we afraid of? For me, i certainly have felt that I don’t know who i am without having some kind of health issue. my whole life i have had something wrong with me. For as long as I remember, Ive had digestive problems, headaches, gynaecological issues, back pain, migraines… the list goes on.
A story I have told myself since being young is that I only receive attention when I am sick. Even if this wasn’t the case, I believed it to be true. And if we believe it to be true, then that is the lens with which we see the world.
The brain is wired on the pathway of ‘I only receive love when i am sick.’ That neural pathway becomes so deeply engrained like a well paved road that it becomes hard to go a different route.
We have to start digging up our foundations and laying a new road laced with beliefs in line with who we truly are. Otherwise we continue to run on the same limited programming that keeps us stuck.
Underneath all of the pain, the bullshit, the trauma, is the very essence of our divinity.
The source of all creation.
The power of consciousness.
Its there, at the centre of it all.
That we are love. That we are so very precious.
And life has become so much about looking externally for these precious things. Yet actually, when we develop our senses and evolve in who we are, the truth finds us. We have all the love we ever need within ourselves. And when we live, speak and act from love and not from our pain, we will start to create a very different reality for ourselves.
The most courageous thing we can ever do is to look at the truth of who we are. We will then attract others in our life who live in the same way. We act as mirrors so we can see ourselves more clearly through the eyes of others. Another precious gift that we can only receive when we live from our truth, not from the pain of our past.
Hiding from our past will haunt us. But seriously, how could we have done any different? Most of us haven’t been taught to face our pain, or to express our emotions. We were told to suppress them because emotions are bad. And nobody quite had the awareness or emotional intelligence to understand and accept them. Yet actually they are exactly who we are as human beings, Emotions make us human. E-motion = energy in motion.
And the more we rise in consciousness, the more we express what we feel in the moment. And in that freedom of expression we open up the way to feel our old pain and trauma to be able to release it.
Only when we face what we once buried deep within head on can we truly be set free.